Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Last day of vacation

Yes, I haven't been posting much lately. The reason? I feel a bit blue. And I do not feel like sharing whiny disappointments would help anybody. But I can do it in one sweep here and get it over with. So I have hoped that before this summer ends I will have some issues resolved, some decisions made. I hoped that Sebastian's tummy will work better since my plan was to be stricter with the diet and I expected results . Now the August is over and I am where I started, things are roughly the same as they were two months ago. We survived few heat waves, quite a few allergy attacks, few diarrhea spells of unknown origins. I haven't made any decisions, do not feel inspired to any new brilliant action, instead my hope quivers and shakes like a leaf. Even more, I think I am going through a wave of grief again, because when I see my child do something like chew ferociously on almost anything , or pull his tong for hours, or smear feces on the wall and realize that he is seven now, and no, he has not "outgrew it" , it is quite different from the time when he was three, and I thought I could help him. It is all different now. And no, it does not get easier. Not for me.

Sebastian has no therapy now, and I a not one of those mothers that can do it themselves. I found a teacher who is a legend in Polish community. She is brilliantly gifted and has had great success in opening communication with special needs children. I love her energy and enthusiasm. She can see Sebastian once a week, and come up with techniques to carry on during the rest of the week, except I can not carry on. No. Not in the state of mind I am now. I do not know if ever. Without it Sebastian has no chance. So there you go. Here is my guilt and feeling of inadequacy that kills me. And the longer I think about it that the worse I feel. And the worse I feel the less I can do. Vicious circle that's all.

And that end of summer is another marker in time that reminds me about things are not going well. And strangely I can not turn that tide no matter how hard I try. Or do not try. It does not seem to make much difference at all.

Other than that temporary little glitch, all is well in our beautiful universe.

3 comments:

  1. I was actually going to email you or comment on a post to ask how Sebastian is doing since you haven't posted about him for a while. It is so hard to read that you are going through so many trials.

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  2. Thanks, I am just tired of all that misery. I do everything I can to distract myself from it, and do not take anything too seriously but I am getting out of breath from time to time. One thing I have learned from it all is that being out of luck can be very very boring.

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  3. This might be useful to you in running a home-based program. In the end, its the parents who know best and we end up doing everything anyway, Publicly funded service are unreliable, if you even qualify at all.

    www.relatetoautism.com

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