Sunday, March 7, 2010

Decision

What I just realized is that five years has just passed since Sebastian was first diagnosed with autism. It has been five years when my emotions were mostly negative. Fear, grief, powerlessness, despair, anger, worry, tension, frustration, fillings of guilt, regret, and inadequacy and even hopelessness at moments. I was doing my best, I have never done enough.

We survived. I have changed. I look much older. I have to use glasses now. My experiences made me into much more compassionate person. I am also getting a bit paranoid - quite opposite my easy-going nature, well, may be that is the post-traumatic stress disorder kicking in. Besides, as my friend says a little bit of paranoia never killed anybody. I am not sure if the idea can be scientifically proved ;-)

So my intention is this: I would like to wrap it all up, and put it behind, and never even look there. Now it is time for delight, exuberance, and glory - the quiet kind.
I am very grateful for the people we have met on our way. They gave us a lot when we were not able to give back. And we kept taking. I hope one day we will be able to give back. Tenfold.

Today I am grateful and hopeful. And lucky.
That is my decision.

5 comments:

  1. YAY!!!! I am throwing a party when I come back from march break...we need to get the boys together. I have trains, bean bags and disco lights that go round and round. Really what else do we need in life?

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  2. I know, we have everything we need at the moment. That will be a grand occasion to celebrate! Good things will happen.

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  3. I wish you and Sebastian every good thing. Heaps and heaps of good things.

    "I was doing my best, I have never done enough." Me too.

    Are you going to continue writing here, Maryna?

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  4. I will write, but I think something flipped in me. I was down and out for a long time. It is not natural for a human to stay there for such a long time. Also I am not interested in it. I have explored those muddy waters, and there is nothing there for me. I can not draw an angry strength from there anymore.

    Will I keep fighting for change? Yes. But not from a position of despair like an injured animal would. I am calm, and stronger than ever, and not afraid, and hopeful.

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  5. I am so glad to hear it. Something similar to this happened to me recently too.

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