Intuition

Intuition is something I have to rely on in absence of sparkling intellect or street smarts or even everyday common sense that most people have and are able to use successfully. My intuition was greatly diminished or completely shut down in the times I needed it the most. I was stressed to the limits, sleep deprived for years and panicked. I had, and still have, unrelenting feeling of urgency sitting on my chest and paralyzing fear grabbing my throat at the same time. It whispers to my ear: "you not good enough to help your son"

But now we have moments of joy and calm we did not experience before for years. Just a year ago Sebastian would still often start screaming as soon wake up . He would have long tantrums, I could not figure out the reason of, and that were leaving me completely exhausted and depleted.

Now Sebastian wakes up with a smile. On days we can sleep in he sits up quietly looking around taking in everything around him. He watches the morning sunlight on the wall, than he comes back to the warmth under he covers, hugs me, smiles, engages in play imitating sounds I make. I watch his face expressions that tell me that he is calm, relaxed, joyful and happy. And my heart sings: he is healing, he is going to be fine, he is fine.