After watching the film I felt more alienated and disturbed than before because I do not think every day about how dire our situation is. I tackle every day tasks, but I do not venture to imagine our future for a very simple reason. It is very scary to think about the future. Sebastian is the only child of a single mother, and does not have an extended family that could take are of him if anything happened to me. His chances to ever live independently are very slim. So I have to live to the age of 100 to be his voice and take care of him. Like the girl in the documentary described by her parents as a perfect candidate for a victim, Sebastian will be unable to defend himself, or even tell what has happened to him if he needed to.
I think watching documentaries like that are dangerous for me. I am not ready yet. Maybe later. The only thing I can compare it to is perhaps watching documentaries about rape victims while you yourself are still being subject to instances of rape. It brings no comfort. It makes things worse. Denial, on the other hand, makes makes things easier and much more bearable.
At times like that my inner child rebels. When I went to Costco to buy some organic baby carrots, an electrical heater and more allergy medication, I picked up box of 15 frozen eclairs, filled with real cream, and I ate six of them at one sitting in the car. They were still frozen. I washed them down with cold coffee.
Sebastian is still allergic to something inside our home, and now I suspect it might be the furnace that started working last week as it was colder. That is when Sebastian started having his allergy attacks. What to do now? I do not know if cleaning the ducts would help. His playroom does not have a vent, so today I bought an electrical heater and a safety door closer. I will try to keep his room closed, keep the air filter on and heat it without blowing furnace air.
My dream is to have a house with heated floors and fragrant cedar walls.
I finished and ate ALL the eclairs on my way home. The rest of the night was not so good. Sebastian had meltdowns, and was pulling my hair a lot and I was short with him. Next morning I could not concentrate and make him a proper breakfast. I stood in the middle of the kitchen like an actor who forgot his lines. I forgot his shoes and underwear, but we make it too school. It is time to put eclair eathing behind me. Thankfully, I do not think I will crave for them any time soon.