Sunday, August 30, 2009

Saturday at home

Saturday is supposed to be a day of rest for us, but instead... Sebastian cried in the morning, and rubbed his eyes a little. I gave him some Benadryl and he was better, but we were about 10 minutes late for our therapy session, where he cried and tried to grab the therapist's face. After the session, we went to farmers' market, and after that to Home Depot to meet my brother. He agreed to help me to fix the siding on the side of my house. We came home, and Sebastian had another tantrum. I gave him more antihistamine and he was fine for a while. We managed to put couple of strips of siding on the house. Sebastian got out in the yard, and minutes later he started crying really hard. I gave him allergy medication and some painkiller, and he cried himself to sleep around seven. Then the rain came and we had to stop work. Sebastian woke up around nine, and his eyes were very red and swollen and looked like plums. He was not getting better after more antihistamine, and he was crying and biting himself non stop for a long time. I did not know what else to do, and I decided to go to emergency. He quieted down in the car, and was quite fine in the hospital. They have filtered air there. I wish I had clean air in my house, at least in one room.

It did not take long in the emergency at all, and we were home before midnight. the doctor told us go give him some over-the-counter allergy medicine, and not to let him go outside much. I have never had any allergies myself, and for me it is quite hard to figure out what to do and how to help Sebastian. He cried at night, and it was quite hard. But today I tried to keep him loaded with the correct doses of antihistamine, and he stays inside most of the time, and things are fine.

On my way to the hospital I was thinking that my motherhood is a constant trial and exercise in helplessness. I do not understand why kids have to suffer. I have to change my definition of God the way I was brought up to understand it, because if God created everything that is going on in the world, he is also responsible for an infinite amount of pain and suffering, and therefore simply the most cruel entity imaginable.


  1. I often think that too Maryna. There is a common saying in our religious community that not a leaf moves without the will of God. That if God wills He can save one man from a horrible plane crash where everyone else dies etc etc So that means he chose for our children to be sick and suffer and for all the other people suffering in other areas of the world. Which makes me often ask WHY. Religious people will come back to you with arguments such as this world is not the main goal, but a trial or suffering that leads to the main goal which is the after-life. However it is very hard to beleive in something that you cannot see or no one you know has ever seen. Especially in the middle of the night when you are comforting your allergy ridden child or wiping poop from walls at 4 am and your baby is crying from pain and there is apparently no illness and no cure.

  2. I know, and when I was growing up the way it was explained to me just does not make sense now. If God felt what I am filling when I see my child suffer, he would prevent it. I would end all suffering if I was all mighty, but I am not. It just does not make sense to me. I myself do benefit from experience of being a mother of sick child in the spiritual way: my compassion is much bigger, my heart opened, I am more tolerant and do not judge other people the way I used to. But the price Sebastian pays for a little bit of my spiritual realizations, is too big.