Thursday, May 21, 2009

Winter weather

The weather is great lately. It could not be brighter or nicer with more comfortable temperature. And yet the way I feel inside is not in unison with the weather we all enjoy. I am in my usual winter mood. It means pushing days through flue like fatigue, headaches, a little congestion, body filled up with little aches, swollen feet, feeling a bit down , bit overwhelmed, fogy brain, difficulties concentrating, forgetting things, leaving a lot of mess behind. Simple tasks like cooking Sebastian lunch seem to require almost heroic effort. Some days are better some days are worse, but mostly things stay the same.

It makes me think that may be there is something wrong. I have been really good and not eating junk lately, and yet I feel weak and tired like if I was going through another cold, another flu season. I scheduled doctor appointment. I am going to ask for every possible test. What makes me skeptical though is that when I went there last summer just before my central nervous system was overwhelmed by mysterious virus - I was complaining about some neurological symptoms - they send me home. I felt a reassured and did not realize that there was something seriously wrong with me. I had a headache - little bigger than usual, I needed to sleep and rest longer, I was forgetful just a bit more, I did not clean up after Sebastian made a mess, I was going to do it just a little later. Making him something to eat was a big chore - I was feeling just a little worse than usual, I was more lazy that usual - that is all. Nothing out of ordinary. When my neighbor Maureen came to check up on me I felt embarrassed; why is she coming when my house is such a mess?

My house is always a mess though. I did not make any sense when I was talking to her, and she saved my life calling my friend. Ambulance took me to hospital and I spend there six days coming back to my senses. I hardly remember going through spinal tap. I do not remember well going to hospital in ambulance, and entire conversations I had with my friends (according to them). It is a strangely frustrating feeling when nurses few times a day are asking you what is your name, if you know where you are, and what day is it.

That experience taught me not to take for granted, or identify myself with my cognitive abilities, intelligence, or intellect. It also make me question more and never be too sure of my own ability of reasoning and assessing my own circumstances. that is why when the weather outside is so beautiful and I still feel inside like winter I look for help.


  1. Oh no you sound aweful. I hope it gets better and you get to start enjoying this lovely weather. After a year of rain and dark days in England and literally living in a house mould and mildew, I am sooooo thankful to be back here again! Where exactly do you live? Email me, if you are not too far come by when you feel rubbish.

  2. Hello Maryna,
    I happened upon your blog while searching for the story about a missing autistic boy in London, Ontario. I added your blog to my list of faves. I have a 22 year old son who is on the spectrum. He was non-verbal up until age 7 and now he never stops talking! It's been a ton of work and sacrifice but all worth the effort to see how he's come such a long way.
    If you ever want to chat then you can find me here: or or

    Take care,
    Wanda Lynne

  3. Thank you for your comments.
    I like the title of your blog Wanda. I could use much more optimism in mine.