Human rights.

People are equal and free. People are free and unequal. Equality and freedom for all.

I think a lot lately. Thoughts roll through my head and sweep through the ages and continents but they do not crystalize in crisp words organized in neat sentences. They just leave me a feeling, and I have to admit I am surprised how heavy and suffocating that emotion is.

Injustice. Discrimination. Prejudice. I never dreamed I will be looking straight in the ugly faces of those monsters. In one of the most developed countries of the world. In the 21 century. But here they are. Uttered and spelled not by ignorant and rough out by educated, and mild mannered. I never dreamed that I will have to fight for the life, for the chance, for the dignity of the most vulnerable.

I do not like confrontation. My first instinct is to flee, and that is how my ancestors probably survived. But here I am, not just a little bewildered. I do not believe I have much choice or much influence over what I can do or what is happening around us. I feel like I we a part of bigger reality I have very little control of.

Do I expect justice in just because I live is the country that thinks of itself a civilized democratic and developed one? Not anymore. I have seen too much. But I am sure I have no choice but to fight. And does not matter if we loose or win. It is a right thing to do.

Intuition

Intuition is something I have to rely on in absence of sparkling intellect or street smarts or even everyday common sense that most people have and are able to use successfully. My intuition was greatly diminished or completely shut down in the times I needed it the most. I was stressed to the limits, sleep deprived for years and panicked. I had, and still have, unrelenting feeling of urgency sitting on my chest and paralyzing fear grabbing my throat at the same time. It whispers to my ear: "you not good enough to help your son"

But now we have moments of joy and calm we did not experience before for years. Just a year ago Sebastian would still often start screaming as soon wake up . He would have long tantrums, I could not figure out the reason of, and that were leaving me completely exhausted and depleted.

Now Sebastian wakes up with a smile. On days we can sleep in he sits up quietly looking around taking in everything around him. He watches the morning sunlight on the wall, than he comes back to the warmth under he covers, hugs me, smiles, engages in play imitating sounds I make. I watch his face expressions that tell me that he is calm, relaxed, joyful and happy. And my heart sings: he is healing, he is going to be fine, he is fine.

At Queen's Park - day 82

I was very efficient and well organised today. In the morning I have printed OHRC forms and responses we were working so hard yesterday on. I put everything to manila envelopes and hit the road. I delivered the envelopes to Hamilton-Niagara Regional Autism Program, and another one to Dr Reitzel the discharge decision signer, and drove to Toronto. I found high office tower where their lawyer has an office high on 44th floor. It is so high that in elevator I felt pressure in my ears. The view from their window is great. It is powerful feeling to look down on the buildings, and tiny cars and insect like pedestrians crowding streets that look like narrow and shallow tunnels borrowed between roofs of the lower the buildings. Giant ant nest.

I left the tower and I marched through the streets to OHRC office on Bay street. I dropped off the forms, and went to Queen's Park that was just steps away from there. It was empty. But I chatted a short while with a guard, snapped a picture, and have met somebody who was interested in our story. On my march through the city back to my car I have met another handsome guy who gave me a brilliant idea I did not think before.

On my way home I have done some shopping.

Sebastian is in the great mood babbling a lot and giving a lot of hugs. What a great day!

Legal labouring

I am very busy, filling up OHRC response to response, and trying to do it and send it out on time.

With no lawyer it is no peanuts. Feel for me.

Halibut lunch

Last few days Sebastian had type 6 and 7 stool , he is stims intensely, is very jumpy and barely sleeps. Considering this, he is in rather exuberant and cheerful mood. But I do not like to watch him spin like mad. It makes me feel helpless, guilty, and irate at the same time.

I was working today, and coincidently we had waited on Americans today. They wanted ice tea in February, and even brought their own ice tea plastic cups with their logo on them. The logo said Merrill Lynch and Bank of America. Isn't it ironic that I work on those functions and have an opportunity to listen to their new CEO explaining in his speech over halibut lunch: "the reasons they have, to be optimistic". Well I do not have knowledge or an expertise, I just suspect that a lot what he said would be a spin, just considering the fact that he is the guy cleaning up, or making it appear to do so, after his greedy predecessors. But I always, always do my autism calculations in my brain so I think If the US government gave let the bankers fall, and used those money to build autism programs, every child that needs it would have their therapy given to them.

And I ponder upon those disposable plastic ice tea cups with Merrill Lynch and Bank of America logo on them in the middle of Canadian winter.

School meeting.

I had another transition school meeting today. Sebastian is lucky to meet such friendly and positive environment at St Brigid's School. They have great team of from principal through to lunch lady and cleaning crew. Each meeting in catholic school starts with a prayer and I like that very much. It sets an intension of doing the best possible, and focuses everybody on the fact that we are part of something bigger than ourselves. Nonbelievers can benefit just because attitudes are contagious among us neurologically wired for social existence members of human kind.

Sebastian enjoys everything from a bus ride to classroom filled up with many very entertaining toys. Demands on him are much lower that in intense therapy, and he is very happy play, listen to the music, visit a classroom full of his peers , and roam around in the gym. It makes me feel god knowing that he is safe and happy there, and yet I do know that he needs intensive treatment to go as far as he can.

Sebastian had a bit of stinky dirrahea in his pants after he came from school. I do not know why, because to my knowing he did not eat anything unusual. He was stiming like mad all evening, and now it is already past one in the morning and he is still roaming around.That is one of this times when brain- gut connection is showing itself again.

HUman Rights Commission- how it goes

On the picture 120 pages of papers brought over this morning by a currier. I will have to go through them all and create a response. I will have to figure out how. Due to difficulties with concentration I have hard time to read even few paragraphs. You can only imagine me going through legal gobly-goo....

I am on my own because lawyer who initially filled the application for me send me an email saying that it took her more time than she initially expected, and send me an invoice with triple of initial discussed and payed in full before she started any of her work amount, stating that she has done her job applying so I am on my own now. So from now on responding, submitting forms etc is up to me. My below poverty level income does not give me much choice . I remortgaged my house to pay for Sebastian's therapy when we were on waiting list, and got myself in considerable debt since spending just enough to get by. Hamilton Health Sciences can afford a lawyers because they pay with tax payers money. They do not loose sleep trying to figure out how will they pay their legal bills, or worrying of what will happen to children they make wait for years and take away therapy from after "limited" time.